The Ape Bot

May 20th, 2008

I hate my computer and other inspirational thoughts

Posted by admin in Humor Hub

The New Year has not started out very well for Yours Truly.
After the first day of the new year, my life went south for the
rest of the winter. All I can say is, I hope it has a wonderful
winter, and don’t forget to write.

Speaking of writing, I can sum up my feelings at this moment by
saying, “I hate my computer.”

Perhaps, you may think the word “hate” a little too strong.
Under normal circumstances, I would agree wholeheartedly. These,
however, are not normal circumstances by a long shot.

And, believe me, I’ve been tempted to do some shooting.

Usually, I’m good-natured, and easily get along with everyone
around me. I go out of my way to be nice and courteous to people.

At the grocery store, I always hold the door open for people; on
the highway, I always yield to the other driver, without
employing hand gestures; and in a restaurant ,I always smile at
the waitress, no matter how much she messes up my order.

However, everything and everyone has a limit and I have
reached my limit in this matter. The new near has barely gotten
underway and already a snag has raised its ugly head in my
direction and grinned. And boy, do I despise that grin.

This snag, to put it mildly, has to do with my computer. Oh, how
I miss my old typewriter at times. It was such a faithful
companion to me in my work. Rarely did it disappoint me or let
me down. It always responded to the slightest touch of my
fingers.

Then the sad day came when I traded my old reliable typewriter
in for a computer. At the time, I thought I had upgraded into
heaven. I did not know I was setting myself up for a crash. How
could I? Everyone told me a computer would solve all my problems.

In the beginning, it lulled me into a false sense of competency.
It actually made me believe I was in control of my computer.
And, for a while, it looked like I was.

This past week I was working on several projects. With my
computer, I can have three projects open at the same time and
work on them simultaneously. I was working on my Sunday sermon,
my weekly column and a fantastic article I was writing for a
magazine.

I was in high heaven, going from one project to another and
making wonderful progress. In fact, I was having such a great
time that I forgot to save any of my work.

Several times during my work that afternoon I heard a
mischievous snicker coming from somewhere, but I was having too
much fun to pay attention to it. In hindsight, I should have
stopped right there and pondered the situation.

The sermon I was working on was simply marvelous. I can never
remember being in greater sermonic form. Everything just seemed
to flow. The ideas opened up right before my eyes, which truly
delighted me.

I could not wait to preach this sermon come Sunday morning. I
was quite sure my congregation would be delighted with this
masterpiece.

When the ideas slowed in the sermon preparation, I simply jumped
over to the weekly column and began working on it. Like the
sermon, the column was going fantastic. I couldn’t believe the
roll I was on at the time.

There are times when you know what you’re doing is good. Then
there are times when you know what you’re doing is great. I had
never had a column come together so smoothly and quickly as this
one. My readers will be awed with such eloquence.

When I was stuck on my column, I switched over to the magazine
article I was writing. In a few moments, I was completely
emerged in writing the article. Like the sermon and column
before it, the article unfolded before me like a rose in June. I
luxuriated in the aroma of greatness.

By this time, I was feeling pretty good about myself. This
should have been a flashing red light for me. In my defense, I
was assuming the new year brought new rules for me.

I’ve given it an awful lot of thought; I do not know what
happened next.

But, evidently, I pressed a button I should not have pressed. In
the next second, my computer shut off completely. For several
minutes, I just stared, dumbfounded, at my blank computer screen
one blank to another.

When I came to my senses, I restarted my computer. No matter how
diligently I searched, those three files were nowhere to be
found. The question plaguing my tortured mind was, do files that
are not saved go to hell? They surely were not on my computer.

The thing bothering me the most was, I could not remember the
details of my sermon, my column, or the terrific article I was
writing. It was as if my magnificent trio did not exist.

In pondering my quandary, a scripture verse came to mind.
“Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he
fall. There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common
to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be
tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation
also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1
Corinthians 10:12-13 KJV.)

No matter how difficult my life seems, Jesus is the “escape key”
that enables me to endure.

May 10th, 2008

I Have a Little Chat with Adam and Eve

Posted by admin in Humor Hub

I sent a postcard to Peter to see if I could have another chat with God. He said that I would have to wait my turn which would occur in 2788. He added that I would be dead by then but I might be able to catch Him on the bicycle path once I got there. He said that would be between 4:17 and 4:19 a.m. except on Sundays when he has about a trillion zillion prayers to answer. However, Adam was available.

I found myself standing in front of Peter at the Gate and he pointed and said, “Adam wants to meet you in the park. He likes the outdoors.”

Of course, I was flashed there and found Father Adam sniffing a huge red rose blossom. The fragrance was strong and made my head spin. Wow!

Adam didn’t look up at me but said, “I’m sorry you are not getting The Grand Old Eternal today. I’ll have to do. He is just too busy to handle everything. He depends on the rest of us to help him. Like on earth, he doesn’t impose on us. We have to want to help out. Not everybody does.”

I said, “Do you mean that those who live in Heaven defy God?”

Adam looked up at me with his translucent blue eyes and said, “No. Never! They just don’t always do what he wants when he wants it. What is it that you want? I hope it is not great wealth, good health, or peace in the world. Those things are so ephemeral. Don’t you have something important for me today?”

I said, “If those that live here are not doing God’s will, is there a chance for another war in heaven? I don’t want to come to Heaven if you are going to have another war. I’ve had too much of that on earth.”

Adam said, “There are no belligerents here. There will be no war. There are those here who have decided that their heavenly reward should be doing what they want to do when they want to do it. They are off half the time taking space cruises. On the earth, they spent their time on sea cruises. They are not bad, just very useless.”

I said, “I’ve always wanted to go on a sea cruise. I haven’t because they are expensive, you eat too much, the ship is crowded with other eaters, and you might catch the bubonic plague.”

Adam laughed. Then I heard a woman laugh. Adam said, “Is that you, Eve?”

Eve came out from behind the rose bush. Adam said, “You weren’t Eve Dropping were you?” Then he laughed.

I though it was a pretty funny too but I decided to keep a straight face less Mother Eve was offended.

Adam said, “This is Taylor Jones, the hack writer.”

Mesmerized by Eve’s beauty I just nodded. Eve said, “I’ve been reading your stuff on the Internet. I like your UFO articles. There is one correction, however, Xrytspet from Fanton in G10009845788899990766 does not fly an FnL7 Time Craft anymore. She has the newer FnL7-A Time Craft.”

I said, “That little snit. She told me that she didn’t know where God lives. She’s been here hasn’t she?”

Eve smiled, her brown eyes shining. “That could be right, Taylor Jones, the hack writer!”

Adam said, “That’s what you wanted to talk to God about, isn’t it? You think you are going crazy. Well, worse things could happen to you. No use taking being crazy too serious. It might even lead you to greatness. Einstein had the delusion that if you put a large object into space, that space would be distorted around it.”

I got Father Adam out of earshot from Eve. I said, “Was Xrytspet from Fanton in G10009845788899990766 really here?”

He laughed again. “No, Taylor Jones, the hack writer. Eve likes to snoop around. She saw the briefing sheets on my desk saying that you had been writing a zillion articles for http://www.ezinearticles.com. That’s where she learned about Xrytspet from Fanton in G10009845788899990766.”

I said, “I’ve got to get back home. My wife wants to go shopping tonight. Oh, and Einstein was right wasn’t he?”

John T Jones, Ph.D. - EzineArticles Expert Author

John T. Jones, Ph.D. (tjbooks@hotmail.com, a retired VP of R&D for Lenox China, is author of detective & western novels, nonfiction (business, scientific, engineering, humor), poetry, etc. Former editor of Ceramic Industry Magazine, Jones is Executive Representative of International Wealth Success. He calls himself “Taylor Jones, the hack writer.”

More info: http://www.tjbooks.com

Business web site: http://www.bookfindhelp.com (IWS wealth-success books and kits and business newsletters / TopFlight flagpoles)